Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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