why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
not ubering you a puppy
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
