a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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