I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
