3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
