I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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