I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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