dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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