I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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