Can i not drive my cunt home
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
