using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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