i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
