Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize