this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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