apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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