woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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