i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
