I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
