That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize