im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
