We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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