when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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