i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
