i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
