He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
