Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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