I CAN MOONWALK!
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
