Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
