Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
