Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
