He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Someone signed my nipple.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize