i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
