Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
