The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
