My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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