Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!

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(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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(914): View more from New York

Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO

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(251): View more from Alabama

I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.

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(816): View more from Missouri

We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.

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(207): View more from Maine

is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?

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(309): View more from Illinois

I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins

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