I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
