You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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