I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
