well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
