Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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