I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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