Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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