so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
