I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
