It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
