So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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