I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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