the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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