she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
