i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
