My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
