just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
